I haven't written an entry in quite a while, but feel led to share this. Recently I wanted to share at a worship gathering, but my thoughts hadn't had enough time to brew. I realized this morning in the shower, that the "coffee" was ready. I do much better on paper anyway, so hopefully after reading this you won't be saying, "Yeah, I get it....Wait a minute! I don't have a clue about what you are trying to say!"
The past couple of weeks I have experienced the extremes of serving out of the flesh and serving out of a heart of joy, responding to the Holy Spirit. Looking back, I feel like my walk with God had grown stale. I know God had not changed His proximity to me. However, subtly, slowly, I had replaced my devotion for Him with coasting on past inspiration, not receiving the manna He provides in His Word each day. I was reading my Bible, though not as often. I was praying, but not with the usual fervency. It just took too much energy for me to delve deep, to sit quietly in God's presence, allowing the Spirit time and access to my intentions, motives and attitudes. I got comfortable with where I was.
At the same time, as a result of my husband's leg injury, he worked from home for a week and a half. He could do very little for himself, so I was responding to his call throughout the day. I became the taxi driver, taking the kids to their activities in addition to getting my husband where he needed to go, including the 45 minute drive back and forth to work 1 day last week. It was tiring, but I could handle it. Then my son came down with the chicken pox at the same time that I got sick. Everything hit at once. I still thought I could handle it, but I was spiritually malnourished & emotionally running on empty. This happened just on the heels of receiving heart wrenching news.
Somewhere in those 2 weeks, my thoughts began increasingly to mirror my discontent, though my family was not being overly demanding.
"My husband doesn't appreciate all I'm doing for him."
"Time with God? I'm too busy!"
"Why do I end up being the one who has to keep everything going?"
"Why does it seem like my needs are unimportant?"
My discontent evolved into resentment which eventually became full blown bitterness. But, I was still serving my family and doing everything I needed to do. But now, I found myself grumbling in my thoughts. That led to me snapping at my unsuspecting family members. My tongue became venomous especially toward my husband. He had done nothing wrong! By the end of last week, my heart was hardened toward my husband and I also realized that it was hardened toward God.
So on Monday after a weekend of stewing in my bitterness, the Holy Spirit opened my eyes to my heart's condition. How could I have gotten to this place?! I sat in God's presence, broken and repentant. I was reminded, again, how my heart wanders when I don't take the time to surrender it and give the Lord access to my pain and weariness. My pride was all too willing to take over and demand the things I wanted and to be offended by practically nothing at all.
The Lord led me to James 5:1,2 which says, " What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions."
I realized that I had become a self centered, whiny child. I also realized that though the things I wanted were not necessarily bad things, I hadn't taken them to God. If I had, I would've been approaching God out of pride, not humility. Why is it always like a new revelation when God reminds me to bring everything to Him, even my complaints? It was in His presence that I realized the complaining was actually covering up a deeper pain I was feeling before all of this began. It was a distraction from dealing with more sober issues. So, I prayed and laid my broken heart before God. I asked for His strength to selflessly serve my family. I asked for His patience to wait and pray while we figure out how to respond to a very serious situation. I lamented over my sin and how it hurts the people I love the most.
In the midst of the worst of last week, two people responded to a status I had put on Facebook and brought our family meals for 2 nights. We ate well, and I was personally overwhelmed by their kindness and generosity. I almost didn't respond to their offers because of my pride. I realized that this was God's provision for my need for rest and time to recover. With all that was happening in my heart, I felt unworthy.
After my time with the Lord on Monday, I approached the last 2 days that my son was home with a changed heart. I also had an opportunity to serve someone else who was in need. I realized what joy serving in the Spirit is. I was so blessed by those who served my family last week that I had a deep desire to bless someone else in a similar way. This was another reminder of God's love for me. I am unworthy, but out of His incomparable love, Christ died for me. Being confronted by my brokenness always leads me back to the Cross.
I have learned to be thankful for these battles with my pride and selfishness. It shook me out of my comfortable place and reminded me that I desperately need to cling to the Lord because, if I give my flesh an opening, it is alive and well and willing to rear it's ugly head. I also got to experience how deep gratitude can result in overflowing joy that must be expressed to others. I want more of that in my life! Serving someone with no expectation of anything in return is a paradox. When I laid down my pride and expectations, God blessed me with more joy and satisfaction than my empty tank could hold. God is giving me an ever increasing desire for His glory, not mine. My word for the year is Kingdom. My prayer has been that God will teach me what it means to seek first His kingdom and His righteousness in my everyday, unremarkable life. God is answering my prayer by giving me opportunities to practice serving with a heart that desires His glory more than my own.
The following song really reflects the prayer of my heart after walking through this experience. I heard this song unexpectedly after the worship night that focused on worshiping by offering our bodies as a living sacrifice. What joy is found in that sweet surrender!
The Cause of Christ by Kari Jobe
