A Reflection on Autumn

I wrote this post in October at the height of the autumn colors.  Today we walked out to wait for the bus and found about an inch of ice in the Fisher Price shopping cart! 

What a beautiful autumn day!  I decided to take my walk despite the gentle rain.  I am so glad I did!  I usually see rainy days as “ugly”.  Today, however, I was able to see beauty in the flight of the Canadian geese in the overcast sky and the trees proudly displaying their unique, variegated hues. As I walked, I was struck by the variety that God displays in His creation.  Looking down on the wet asphalt, I noticed leaf after leaf painted uniquely with splashes of bright color.  I decided to collect some to share with the kids. 

God has a way of ordering creation with a structure that we can count on.  Each of the four seasons comes and goes predictably each year.  The sun illuminates the earth, moving westward across the sky until it slips below the horizon now allowing the moon and stars to display their brilliance.  We rely on this consistency, day after day, night after night. 

Sometimes sameness stirs a restless longing in me that demands something different.  That is why the variety of shapes and colors of the leaves caught my eye this morning.  Though the four seasons come and go, each one is so different from the next.  Some summers are hot and sultry. Some are stormy, cool and wet.  Some autumn days are warmed by the golden sunlight and others are doused by a cold, relentless rain.   I thanked God for the blessing of noticing all the subtle differences between the falling leaves.   Sometimes it’s the simple things that draw me closer to the Creator and Lover of my soul. 

I'm Not Letting Go!

The terrible situation in Iraq is troubling me, as it should.  But after reading my daughter’s blog post about it, and seeing the pictures of pain, suffering and death, my heart was overwhelmed with grief.  

How terrible!  

How frightening!  

What if that happened here?  It’s not out of the realm of possibility for our country to become hostile toward Christ followers or let groups like ISIS wreak havoc on the Christian community sometime in the future.  Maybe in the near future!  What if I was faced with the possibility of having to give up my life for Christ, to renounce my Christian faith or face execution?  The thought created a lump in my throat.  Would I be strong enough to stand strong even unto death?!  Sometime I think I could when I think of the blessed life I have lived and that I am ready to start my eternity in the presence of my Savior.  I certainly would give my life to save my children.  But to see my children tortured, raped and murdered before my eyes?  That is unthinkable!  That is beyond painful.  

May it never be!!!

This line of thinking led to me to realize that I don’t have that desire.  I would be gripped by fear.  So as I walked I asked God to give me the desire to live full out for Him even if it meant giving up my life.  That got my mind to wondering what gives people the desire to give up their lives?  They have to be passionately overwhelmed by something bigger than themselves.  If I am a good Christian, doing all the right things, but not really intersecting with God Himself, would I give up my life for Him?  I had to admit that, no, I wouldn’t.  The only thing that would allow me to be willing to sacrifice it all would be if I knew I was completely loved.  Not just an intellectual knowledge, like, Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so.  I would have to experience that overwhelming love; mind, heart and soul.  Do I?  I have to admit, that, no, I don’t.  But I do feel like in the past couple of years, God has revealed Himself to me in life transforming ways.  I am more familiar with His amazing love than I ever was before. 

How?  

How can I get more of that?  

By pursuing God with every ounce of my being.  The picture of Jacob wrestling with God, saying, 

“I’m not letting go unless You bless me.” 

came to mind.  That’s it!  God says if we need anything, ask.  So I grabbed hold of God in my imagination and said, “I want to know your love, God, I want to be overwhelmed by your love.  I am not letting go until You bless me.  I want to experience the power of being totally loved by You.  I’m not letting go until You bless me.”

Maybe that’s what is meant by Isaiah and the Sons of Korah when they say:

“My soul yearns for You in the night, in the morning my spirit longs for You” 

Isaiah 26:9b

“As a deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O Lord.”  

Psalm 42:1

I know I have desired God like this sometimes during the many years of walking with Him, but not consistently.  It’s always 2 steps forward, 3 steps back.   The new piece for me is realizing that the desire to desire God comes from God.  I can’t conjure it up on my own.  He wants me to want to desire Him.  He wants me to ask Him for that desire to desire Him.  He wants to lavish His love on me.  

So, knowing that, I grab hold of Him and say, 

“I am not letting go until You bless me.”   

I used to think that was arrogant and that I didn’t have a right to demand anything from God.  He would give me what He would give me and I should be grateful for any morsel of kindness from Him.  But I think differently now.  I am His child.  I believe what He says in His word is true!  I want it!  He’s the only one who can give it to me, so I grab hold and I’m not letting go.  I know that when I do let go, my desire to desire God wanes and I become occupied with the worries and pleasures of this life.  I never want to let go again.  

Bless me, 

bless me, 

bless me, Lord!  

You say you love me with an everlasting love.  Show me, open my heart to experience it.  Pour it over my life.  You say You give us every spiritual blessing in Christ.  I want them all!  Open my eyes to see every single one of them.  I don’t want to miss even one.  

Give them to me, Lord.  

Give me more of You!  

I’m holding on tight!