A Reflection on Autumn

I wrote this post in October at the height of the autumn colors.  Today we walked out to wait for the bus and found about an inch of ice in the Fisher Price shopping cart! 

What a beautiful autumn day!  I decided to take my walk despite the gentle rain.  I am so glad I did!  I usually see rainy days as “ugly”.  Today, however, I was able to see beauty in the flight of the Canadian geese in the overcast sky and the trees proudly displaying their unique, variegated hues. As I walked, I was struck by the variety that God displays in His creation.  Looking down on the wet asphalt, I noticed leaf after leaf painted uniquely with splashes of bright color.  I decided to collect some to share with the kids. 

God has a way of ordering creation with a structure that we can count on.  Each of the four seasons comes and goes predictably each year.  The sun illuminates the earth, moving westward across the sky until it slips below the horizon now allowing the moon and stars to display their brilliance.  We rely on this consistency, day after day, night after night. 

Sometimes sameness stirs a restless longing in me that demands something different.  That is why the variety of shapes and colors of the leaves caught my eye this morning.  Though the four seasons come and go, each one is so different from the next.  Some summers are hot and sultry. Some are stormy, cool and wet.  Some autumn days are warmed by the golden sunlight and others are doused by a cold, relentless rain.   I thanked God for the blessing of noticing all the subtle differences between the falling leaves.   Sometimes it’s the simple things that draw me closer to the Creator and Lover of my soul. 

I'm Not Letting Go!

The terrible situation in Iraq is troubling me, as it should.  But after reading my daughter’s blog post about it, and seeing the pictures of pain, suffering and death, my heart was overwhelmed with grief.  

How terrible!  

How frightening!  

What if that happened here?  It’s not out of the realm of possibility for our country to become hostile toward Christ followers or let groups like ISIS wreak havoc on the Christian community sometime in the future.  Maybe in the near future!  What if I was faced with the possibility of having to give up my life for Christ, to renounce my Christian faith or face execution?  The thought created a lump in my throat.  Would I be strong enough to stand strong even unto death?!  Sometime I think I could when I think of the blessed life I have lived and that I am ready to start my eternity in the presence of my Savior.  I certainly would give my life to save my children.  But to see my children tortured, raped and murdered before my eyes?  That is unthinkable!  That is beyond painful.  

May it never be!!!

This line of thinking led to me to realize that I don’t have that desire.  I would be gripped by fear.  So as I walked I asked God to give me the desire to live full out for Him even if it meant giving up my life.  That got my mind to wondering what gives people the desire to give up their lives?  They have to be passionately overwhelmed by something bigger than themselves.  If I am a good Christian, doing all the right things, but not really intersecting with God Himself, would I give up my life for Him?  I had to admit that, no, I wouldn’t.  The only thing that would allow me to be willing to sacrifice it all would be if I knew I was completely loved.  Not just an intellectual knowledge, like, Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so.  I would have to experience that overwhelming love; mind, heart and soul.  Do I?  I have to admit, that, no, I don’t.  But I do feel like in the past couple of years, God has revealed Himself to me in life transforming ways.  I am more familiar with His amazing love than I ever was before. 

How?  

How can I get more of that?  

By pursuing God with every ounce of my being.  The picture of Jacob wrestling with God, saying, 

“I’m not letting go unless You bless me.” 

came to mind.  That’s it!  God says if we need anything, ask.  So I grabbed hold of God in my imagination and said, “I want to know your love, God, I want to be overwhelmed by your love.  I am not letting go until You bless me.  I want to experience the power of being totally loved by You.  I’m not letting go until You bless me.”

Maybe that’s what is meant by Isaiah and the Sons of Korah when they say:

“My soul yearns for You in the night, in the morning my spirit longs for You” 

Isaiah 26:9b

“As a deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O Lord.”  

Psalm 42:1

I know I have desired God like this sometimes during the many years of walking with Him, but not consistently.  It’s always 2 steps forward, 3 steps back.   The new piece for me is realizing that the desire to desire God comes from God.  I can’t conjure it up on my own.  He wants me to want to desire Him.  He wants me to ask Him for that desire to desire Him.  He wants to lavish His love on me.  

So, knowing that, I grab hold of Him and say, 

“I am not letting go until You bless me.”   

I used to think that was arrogant and that I didn’t have a right to demand anything from God.  He would give me what He would give me and I should be grateful for any morsel of kindness from Him.  But I think differently now.  I am His child.  I believe what He says in His word is true!  I want it!  He’s the only one who can give it to me, so I grab hold and I’m not letting go.  I know that when I do let go, my desire to desire God wanes and I become occupied with the worries and pleasures of this life.  I never want to let go again.  

Bless me, 

bless me, 

bless me, Lord!  

You say you love me with an everlasting love.  Show me, open my heart to experience it.  Pour it over my life.  You say You give us every spiritual blessing in Christ.  I want them all!  Open my eyes to see every single one of them.  I don’t want to miss even one.  

Give them to me, Lord.  

Give me more of You!  

I’m holding on tight!

The Fear of the Lord

Proverbs 9:10

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, 

and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.

As I was walking today, I started meditating on this verse.  God brought a couple of things to mind.  First of all, I considered the fear of the Lord.  What does that mean?  Does it mean fear in the sense of being afraid?  Like Dorothy, the Scarecrow, Lion and Tin Man felt in the presence of the Great and Powerful Oz?

  I don’t think so.

Even if they had a sense of awe, it was motivated by the fear of what he might do to them.  The fear of the Lord, I think, is recognizing the Lord’s rule over all creation, His control in our lives, His wrath and holiness, but also His Preeminence, His Transcendence, His Agape Love, His ability to redeem us through sacrificing His own Son.  His heart is as big as His power.  And when we begin to grasp that, (which is really difficult to do, don’t you think?) (It’s too big for my finite mind to comprehend!) then we can see ourselves in light of who He is, under His sovereign rule, at His mercy, desperately needing His grace.

As I write these words, I realize these are words that I have heard preached again and again.  The difference is that I am, personally, meditating on this.  The Holy Spirit is applying this to my life!  It’s not just more information, it’s pondering how it affects me and my view of God.

Then I thought about the next phrase, the beginning of wisdom.  It doesn't just say wisdom, it’s the beginning.  Our view of God is the very foundation of how we apply knowledge to our lives.  Without this foundation, we think too much of ourselves or too little of ourselves and make decisions that are self centered, lacking in wisdom.  The fear of the Lord must be our grounding, the bedrock on which we build our lives.  When we are reading His word, praying to Him, ministering for Him, we must always come back to the fear of the Lord.  It requires seeking Him and asking Him to reveal Himself to us.

The knowledge of the Holy One.  

Knowing the Holy One.  

The Holy One. 

  What makes God Holy?  What is Holy?  He is set apart from us, outside of creation, outside of time.  He is pure, altogether righteous, Holy.  He doesn’t make mistakes.   He doesn’t say anything that can’t stand for eternity.   He is never changing.  This is who our God is.  The knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.  We have to know our God in order to understand the truth about life, ourselves, others, circumstances; 

good and evil.

So that brings me back to the whole verse.  Our starting point must be fearing and knowing God for who He is, revealed in His word, being taught by His Holy Spirit.  We don’t start by having a religious system to follow such as reading the Bible, praying every day, going to church on Sunday, giving up things of the world.  If we are doing those things just for the sake of doing those things, we can only be motivated by pride and self righteousness.  No!  We must be motivated by our personal, active, growing relationship to the King of Kings and Savior of our souls. 

This challenges me and encourages me.  It challenges me by reminding me that I must never stray from pursuing God, walking with Him, inviting Him into every part of my life.  It encourages me because as I am pursuing God, He is imparting wisdom and understanding to me.  That’s a comfort because I am always second guessing myself, worrying that I am way out there in my thinking.  But when God teaches me something from His word, I can rely on His wisdom.

The last thing I considered as I rounded the corner close to home was when I am fearing the Lord and gaining knowledge of the Holy One, my desire to know Him increases and the more He reveals Himself to me.  Then, those disciplines of reading the Bible and praying, etc. are not just checking something off a list that makes me acceptable to God, but they are a means to run after the Giver of life, taking in His love continuously… and that transforms my life!